Part 28: Episode XXII: Kiss My Ass
Music: Hymn of the Fayth
Welcome to the swanky Kilika Temple. A bit more impressive a structure than Besaid’s rural community center set-up.
It must take the better part of the day to hike all the way inland from Kilika Port and up the side of a mountain to get here. I wonder if any of the folks here had heard that Sin rolled in and razed half the village... Meh. Best not to bring it up...
New Music: Confrontation
Make way. We got a trio of real badasses walking through here.
Badass wearing halter-top uniforms... Welp. I think Tidus has been knocked out of the running for worst uniform.
"...What the heck is a 'Goer'?!"
"Oh, yeah? Then why are you here?"
"We've been praying for some competition this year!"
"Heh. Though seeing you here first thing, it looks like our prayers fall on deaf ears." "So, what's your goal this time? You gonna 'do your best' again? Ha! It's too bad your best isn't good enough! Why even bother showing up?"
"Oooh! Play awaaaay! Just remember even kids can play, boys."The smugly Luca Goers walk off...
"...What was that supposed to be a burn...? Tch. We're talking about a sport, dickweed!" "See you in the finals!" "You think that jerk has a sister?" "...Why?" "So I can bone his sister after we win." "...You're really into that, aren't you?" "Well, duh. Haven't you ever banged another team captain's hot sister after stomping them in a game?" *rubs neck* "Err..." "...Oh. Right. Never won... Dumb question... Well trust me, it's both awesome AND hilarious. I'll show you... Bunch of jerks..." "...If you say so." "We'll beat them. We have to!"Wakka walks off with the rest of the team to go pray. Yuna walks over and speaks with Tidus...
*grumbles* "Putting people down... They're as bad as my old man!"
"But, Sir Jecht was a kind and gentle man!" "Well, not my Jecht." "I used to call him Dickt behind his back. That's my Jecht..." *frowns and looks down* "Uhh..."
"...just thinking about my old man got me angry. But maybe that was just my way of keeping him... Nah."Yuna and the rest of the party enter the temple...
Music: Hymn of the Fayth
These Yevon temples don't seem to be really big on the whole window thing.
The party hangs around in the main antechamber. Yuna hopes Wakka's blitzball prayers are heard. Lulu thinks Wakka needs to pray a bit harder. Kimahri just looks at Tidus with contempt.
If we speak with Wakka, we are given the option to pray alongside him to the patron saint of underwater polo. This will get us a few points toward Wakka on that dumb Affection mechanic. Otherwise, it's pointless.
That said, it couldn’t hurt to ask the gods to help us score a sweet goal at the big game or perhaps make the Goers get eaten by Sin on their ferry ride to Luca.
Two incredibly poorly dressed people emerge from the Cloister of Trials and take note of the party.
The woman and Big McLargehuge walk down the stairs to Yuna...
"Dona."
*looks around* "My, my, my..."
"As I recall, Lord Braska had only two guardians." *shakes head* "Quality over quantity, my dear. Whatever were you thinking?"
*nods*Kimahri walks over...
<This one step to Yuna and Kimahri will make a necklace out of his tea saucer nipples.> <*cricket chirping*>
"I trust them all with my life! To have so many guardians is a joy, and an honor! Even more so than being my father's daughter. Of course, I would never think of questioning your ways, either." "I would not want to imply my entourage could easily best your..." *frowns at razor sharp nipples from the cold* "...interesting... companion if it came to that." "So, Lady Dona, I ask of you: please leave us in peace." "You do what you want. Barthellowe'releaving."And so they do. Yuna sighs with relief as soon as they're out of sight...
"I wondered, did Yuna feel that way about me?" *stares at Tidus briefly and smiles* "What's she smiling about?" "...Crud. I am messing up my narration tenses again... Ahem. I wondered what she was smiling about."
Following that cutscene, the rest of the party shuffles into the Cloister of Trials. Might as well follow on after 'em.
"The 'fayth?'"
"But first, the Cloister of Trials. Kimahri? Wakka? Ready?" ”What’s a fay-” *prays* "Strength, everyone!"Everyone shuffles onto the elevator...
<Kimahri preeeeeeetty sure nancy boy not a guardian. Meh... Not that anyone would tell Kimahri. Just because Kimahri not talk much doesn‘t mean Kimahri has narrative omniscience! Kimahri still cannot believe they left Besaid Village without telling Kimahri...>Kimahri shoves Tidus off the elevator.
"You're not a guardian yet." "We'll be back as soon as we can, okay?"The elevator descends without Tidus...
”Is there like some kind of form I have to fill out for this guardian thing?! I could do that now while I’m waiting. Uhh... Can I bum one of your addresses as my mailing listing...?” “...” “...Is mail a thing in... ugh. Forget it. They’re already long gone... Lame!”
The waiting room for the Cloister of Trials apparently locks down until the elevator returns to the surface. And as soon as it does...
*points down to the elevator* “Then why are you here?" "Hey, I'm not a guardian, so I'm not supposed to go in, right?" ”They got pretty peeved last time I did it. Plus have you been in one of those things...? It’s all lousy puzzles. No thanks!” "Not a guardian, you say?"
”What the heck, man? Is your giant meathead dude only allowed to hug non-guardians?”
Barthello manhandles Tidus and tosses him onto the elevator.
"Just a little game." ”What kind of game? Men wrestling for your personal spankbank material?! Why is everyone in this temple such a di—”The elevator starts up and descends into the Cloister of Trials...
Welp!
Video: Episode 22 Highlight Reel
Kilika Temple Concept Art
Dona Official Art - Apparently, she saw Yuna's modest summoner outfit and decided to go the COMPLETE opposite direction on the skanky index.
Barthello Official Art - Believe it or not, these two still are not the worst designed folks in Spira...